There are moments in life when someone’s words hit you so unexpectedly that they leave a mark on your skin — almost like a burn. Not because they’re true, but because they arrive at a vulnerable moment, when you’re already carrying the weight of your own doubts.
A few days ago, I found myself in exactly that situation.
Someone — a person who barely knew me, yet someone from whom I genuinely had positive expectations — surprised me. I believed their experience and seniority would allow them to understand me, my work, and the whole situation with a certain natural openness. Instead, suddenly questioned everything about my work, my intentions, my progress. Their tone was sharp, dismissive, almost clinical. They criticised months of effort with a superficial glance and a handful of assumptions. And even though I’m a humble person, even though I know who I am and what I stand for, my first instinct was to turn all that criticism inward.
I questioned myself. I questioned my goals. I questioned the hard work I had been pouring into my projects.
And for a moment, I felt small. Inadequate. As if everything I had built could be erased by someone who had no idea of the struggles, sacrifices, and resilience behind it.
I stayed with that awful feeling — the kind that sits on your skin like static electricity. But then something shifted. I realised that what had happened wasn’t a reflection of my worth. It was a reflection of their bias, their limited perspective, their inability to see beyond their own filters.
And that’s when it hit me: I wasn’t dealing with their judgment. I was dealing with my own self‑sabotage.
Because the truth is, criticism only hurts that deeply when it lands on a wound that already exists.
What Self‑Sabotage Really Is (and Why We All Do It)
Self‑sabotage isn’t always loud. It’s not always dramatic. Most of the time, it’s subtle — a quiet internal voice that whispers:
“Maybe you’re not ready.”
“Maybe you’re not good enough.”
“Maybe they’re right.”
Psychologists describe self‑sabotage as a set of behaviours or thoughts that undermine our own goals, often unconsciously. It’s a protective mechanism — a way to avoid failure, rejection, or disappointment by shrinking before the world can shrink us.
But here’s the paradox: Self‑sabotage feels safe, but it keeps us stuck.
It shows up in many forms:
Overthinking
Perfectionism
People‑pleasing
Minimising our achievements
Letting others’ opinions define our value
And sometimes, like in my case, it shows up when someone else’s criticism becomes the trigger for our own internal collapse.
Why That Comment Hurt So Much
When someone who barely knows you criticises you, it shouldn’t have the power to shake your identity. But it does — when their words echo something you secretly fear.
That’s the uncomfortable truth.
Their comment wasn’t the problem. My reaction was.
I realised I had been carrying months of pressure, expectations, and silent self‑doubt. Their words simply activated what was already there.
And this is where the cycle of self‑sabotage begins: We internalise external noise and turn it into self‑attack.
But the moment we recognise this pattern, we can break it.
How to Stop Self‑Sabotage: A Practical, Compassionate Guide
1. Pause Before You React
When criticism hits, your nervous system goes into survival mode. Pause. Breathe. Don’t let the first emotional wave define your truth.
Ask yourself: “Is this feedback or is this projection?”
Most of the time, it’s projection.
2. Separate Facts from Feelings
Feelings are valid, but they’re not always accurate.
Fact: This person barely knew me. Fact: They had no context for my work. Fact: Their judgment was superficial.
Feeling: “I’m inadequate.”
When you separate the two, the feeling loses its power.
3. Identify the Trigger
Self‑sabotage always has a root.
Fear of failure
Fear of being seen
Fear of disappointing others
Fear of not being enough
Which one did their comment activate in you?
Naming the trigger is the first step toward healing it.
4. Reclaim Your Narrative
When someone tries to define you, rewrite the story.
Instead of: “They criticised me, so maybe I’m not good enough.”
Try: “They criticised me without knowing me. That says more about them than about me.”
This shift is small but transformative.
5. Build Evidence Against Your Self‑Doubt
Your brain believes what you repeatedly tell it.
Make a list of:
your achievements
your progress
your resilience
the obstacles you’ve overcome
This is your anti‑sabotage toolkit.
6. Surround Yourself with People Who See You
Not flatter you. Not agree with everything. But people who see your effort, your growth, your intention.
Encouragement is not weakness — it’s fuel.
7. Practice Self‑Compassion
You’re human. You’re growing. You’re allowed to make mistakes, to learn, to evolve.
Self‑compassion is the antidote to self‑sabotage.
Books and Resources That Can Help
Here are some powerful, research‑based resources that deepen the understanding of self‑sabotage and offer practical tools:
📘 “The Mountain Is You” by Brianna Wiest
A modern classic on self‑sabotage, emotional intelligence, and personal transformation.
📘 “Atomic Habits” by James Clear
Not about sabotage directly, but brilliant for understanding behaviour patterns and building systems that support growth.
📘 “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown
A compassionate guide to letting go of shame, comparison, and self‑criticism.
📘 “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers
A timeless book on overcoming fear‑based self‑sabotage.
📘 “Chatter” by Ethan Kross
A science‑based exploration of the inner critic and how to manage it.
These books don’t just offer theory — they offer tools.
What I Learned From That Moment
That moment of unexpected criticism taught me something important:
People will always have opinions. But only you get to decide which ones shape your life.
I realised that I had been giving too much power to voices that didn’t deserve it. I had been shrinking myself to fit someone else’s limited understanding. I had been sabotaging my own growth by letting external noise become internal truth.
But not anymore.
I choose to stand tall in my work, my values, my journey. I choose to trust the effort I’ve put in. I choose to encourage others — and myself — with the same generosity I offer the world.
And I hope you choose the same.
A Final Thought
Self‑sabotage doesn’t disappear overnight. It’s a pattern — but patterns can be rewritten.
Every time you choose self‑compassion over self‑criticism, every time you choose your truth over someone else’s projection, every time you choose to keep going despite the noise…
You break the cycle.
One choice at a time.
P.S. And still, I’m grateful. Grateful because that moment reminded me how deeply I need to respect myself, my work, and my beliefs — even when they differ from someone who stands miles away from my world.
Grateful because their reaction gave me the chance to pause, reflect, and turn something uncomfortable into clarity.
It even pushed me to write this article and share it with you.
And maybe, in a strange way, I needed that trigger. Sometimes when we’re tired, stressed, or quietly doubting ourselves, a jolt — even an unpleasant one — becomes the catalyst that brings us back to who we are.
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Gilda Kiwua Notarbartolo
Blogger & writer. Sharing mindful habits, self-love and UK lifestyle inspiration.